The Rhinestone cow girl's Journal
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The Rhinestone cow girl's LiveJournal:
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| Tuesday, June 10th, 2008 | | 8:04 pm |
I have been trying to finish my hemming way book. I have been reading it for 2 years, but I never seem to be able to sit down and just finish it. He is wordy, but he has a way. “It wasn’t the sea you wanted to forget. You know you love the sea and would not be anywhere eles. Go out to the porch and look at her. She is not cruel or callous not any of that Quatsch. She is just there and the wind moves her and the current moves her and they fight on her surface but down below non of it matters. Be thankful that you are going out on her again and he thankful for her being you home. She is your home. Don’t talk nonsense about her. She is not your trouble. “ I am tired, as soon as I am done making johns favorite cookies, I am going to bed and reading until I fall asleep. Maybe I will dream of Cuba, maybe someday I will be able to go. | | Monday, June 9th, 2008 | | 10:31 pm |
FUCK-ITY FUCK. I changed my password and forgot it. I found an old book with all my old e-mail passwords from 1999. I guess I had not updated my e-mail on LJ for sometime. But I am back now. | | Tuesday, April 29th, 2008 | | 8:32 pm |
 I love this website. This is my favorite hair yet | | Sunday, April 27th, 2008 | | 7:45 am |
Last week we had a homeless guy living with us for 4 days. One of John’s friends had been living in a van for 3 months, so I felt sorry for him and said he could some sleep a few days on your couch and take a shower. During the day time, when john and I were at work he surfed the internet for jobs and women. John asked him what kind of women is going to date a guy with no job who is living in his van? He got a job, and is off my couch. Art walk is happening, and that means I cannot go downtown until Monday. John was stick sitting at a roundabout for 30 mins while a band of bicyclers circled around it not letting any cars in as a protest for the environment. They made about 60 cars idle for 30 minutes, yeah that saved gas. Idiots. Art walk has just become a drunken party with live bands scattered all over the city. It’s like a big night club people can smoke in. My personal trainer pushed me so hard last week I couldn’t move the next day. I still can’t stand up or walk right. I seriously need a walker. Ok I am done, I have stuff to do. | | Sunday, April 20th, 2008 | | 6:50 pm |
I have accepted a new job and my current supervisor posted my job faster than I expected. I have never seen a state worker move so fast in my life. When I saw my current job – that I love – posted, I had a little bit of a break down. It’s really happening, I am leaving. Fuck. I hired a personal trainer and I meet with him on Wednesday. He is about 4 feet 3 , very buff and I don’t think he has but his arms straight down at this sides. I have been working out a few times a week; I am starting to feel pretty good. My doctor put me on some herbal supplements that are amazing, called 5-htp and I feel no hunger. I went 8 hours without eating last week, I simply forgot. (that’s big for me) The conservative in me, naturally wants to stay away from anything slightly earthy. But in the last few months, we have almost made the complete switch to all organic foods, with the help of Trader Joes, top foods, and a really nice hippy lady down at the food co-op. I feel really good. These are not organic, but I love them.  They are 1 weight watcher point. You have to know the program to really appericate a 1 point bagel. They are my life line. I love them so. | | Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 | | 10:19 pm |
Tonight I saw the movie, Into the wild. I guess I am not down with the hippy movement. I think that kid is a fool. | | Friday, March 28th, 2008 | | 11:58 pm |
Crystal and the lip gloss arsenal
I can’t fight it anymore, and this is very hard for me to say and it even feels strange when I say it out loud, …. I am not a kid anymore. To tell you the truth I am glad. I am willing to trade maturity for a few fine lines around my eyes. ( they are there believe it or not) I make much better choices now than I did when I was 21, I know it’s only been 7 years but it seems like a life time. So much happens in such a small amount of time. I am so glad to know what I don’t want out of life. I interviewed for a job 3 weeks back that I really didn’t want. I tried to bomb the interview, and I thought I was successful until I found out other wise and they were checking references. Now I have to really think about changing jobs if they offer it to me. At this time in my life, I really don’t want to change from what I am comfortable with. But that just me, I never want to be uncomfortable. I like my job, I don’t mind getting up every morning and going to work. I like my co-workers. Its busy, interesting stress free work. I am comfortable. Taking this new job will take me out of my comfort zone, and toss me back into the line of work I left 2 years ago, but with much, much more money. But not even money made this choice easy. Everyone told me to take the job, no one understood why I didn’t want to take it. People like to think they understand that being happy is more important than money, but when put to the test I don’t think people really believe it. So I called one of my oldest friends, the adventurous BreAna, the only friend that I knew would understand. She made me realize that I don’t want to be safe forever. Life is all about standing on the edge of the diving board, and looking down. You either have the courage to jump or you don’t. Although Breana would say, “fuck the pool, go swim in the ocean” getting to the ocean requires getting off the diving board. If I don’t leave my comfortable safe job now, I am never going to leave it. If I take this job that I hate, It will force me to dive into the ocean of the life I want. Its easy to lose track of our dreams when life is comfortable. SO here is to being an Adult, diving in the chlorine but swimming towards the ocean. | | Monday, March 10th, 2008 | | 8:28 pm |
| | Sunday, March 9th, 2008 | | 11:07 pm |
My new purse
 I should have been doing homework, but I went shopping. I dont care much for snakes, but I like them as a purse. I love Calvin Klein. Don't Mind my messy livingroom. | | Saturday, March 8th, 2008 | | 7:59 pm |
My Saturday night line up: 8:00 play the sims and eat risotto 8:30 do laundry 9:00 watch sex and the city 10:00 do some home work. 10:15 drink my cold star bucks mocha from this morning 10:15 more home work 11:00 more sims 11:30 fold laundry while watching sex in the city 12:00 put my groceries away from trader Joes 1:00 Kick the dog and John out of bed to change the sheets. 1:30 go to bed. God when did I get so friggin old. Current Music: that's Spandau Ballet -True | | Saturday, February 23rd, 2008 | | 10:16 pm |
I feel so odd right now. I am hydrocodone because I have a migraine that won’t go away. I can still feel it, but its just a small ache. My insurance told me that I meet the criteria to have weight loss surgery a few days ago, when I lose 5% of my body weight, I can have gastric bypass in 6 months. I have been fighting insurance companies for for a few years for the right to have this done. But now that it looks like its going to happen, I am not sure how I feel about it. I always looked down on women who had it, I felt that they took the easy way out. I lost 110 pounds once, working out 7 days a week and eating next to nothing. I was starving all the time, I was on weight watchers for 2 years, and it worked when I worked at it. It was all consuming for me. I had no life out side of working out and work. My spare time was spent planning meals or finding places to work out. I had a mental break down after being rejected. After all the work I had done, I was still not good enough. A few years of counseling and I got over it, but all the weight came back on. Why can’t I just control myself? I have really fucked myself over now, because I can’t even exercise like I use to because of all the injuries I accrued from working out when I was smaller. Kickboxing knee injuries, broken tail bone, arthritis in my lower back, I have to have surgery on my feet. I am falling apart and I am only 28. When I was getting a psych eval done last year , the Doctor told me that diets, or eating plans only work when they become habit, and can be done daily with giving very little or no thought to the routine. 2 years of weight watchers and I should have adjusted to the routine and it should have become less of a struggle. I eat to much. I eat very healthy food, but it doesn’t matter if I am eating cake or carrots calories are calories. I am addicted to food. Its my drug of choice. I can get comfort from a bowl of risotto like a heroin addicts gets it from a hit of heroin. Here I am ,wanting to eat because what I have written bothers me. I am not hungry at all, but the urge to eat is almost overwhelming. So as for taking the easy way out, I am not. There is no easy way. This operation is not a fix all, some people don’t even lose any weight, or they gain it all back. I feel like a failure every day of my life, because I am fat and I am an addict. | | Saturday, February 9th, 2008 | | 10:33 pm |
Confusion….
PRESIDENT CLINTON VIDEO, December 16, 1998 Sadaam has nuclear arms, poison gas/bio weapons. PBS.org ^ | February 7, 2004 | the eagle has landed Posted on 02/07/2004 11:31:50 AM PST by TheEaglehasLanded PRESIDENT CLINTON: Good evening. Earlier today, I ordered America's armed forces to strike military and security targets in Iraq. They are joined by British forces. Their mission is to attack Iraq's nuclear, chemical and biological weapons programs and its military capacity to threaten its neighbors. Their purpose is to protect the national interest of the United States, and indeed the interests of people throughout the Middle East and around the world. Saddam Hussein must not be allowed to threaten his neighbors or the world with nuclear arms, poison gas or biological weapons. I want to explain why I have decided, with the unanimous recommendation of my national security team, to use force in Iraq; why we have acted now; and what we aim to accomplish. Bush lied? So did Clinton. Talk about fucked up | | Sunday, February 3rd, 2008 | | 9:43 am |
Tragedy at the LB
 My heart goes out to those women who were killed, and I hope they found peace in their last moments. My prayers are with their familys. I hope they get the fucking bastard. Coward Son of a bitch. I know, working women’s retail for years, that those women were trained not to resist and to give him everything he asked for. He killed for no reason | | Sunday, January 27th, 2008 | | 4:52 pm |
It seems to me, that if I have something to do on the weekend night, the weekend seems to last forever. This weekend was a busy one, Friday night John and I went to see my first of 3 opera. We left Olympia at 4, got to seattle at 6:45 due to traffic. Starving and dying of thirst I manage to drink 3 classes of champagne before the opera even started. My feet were killing me, and john and I were packed like sardines in our opera seats. We were jammed in-between to older couples, who were not little people. When the light went down, I thought it was the perfect time to slip out of my heels because no one would see. Well, no one did see my shoe roll down under the seat of the people sitting in front of us. I started to freak out because I had no idea how I was going to get my shoe back. I could hardly breathe because I was wrapped in about 7 layers of Spanks trying to make myself look slimmer in my little black dress. There was no way in hell I was going to be able to bend over and reach under a seat to get my shoe. So all during the frist act, I was using my feet in an effort to retrieve my shoe from under the seat in front of me. I managed to pull it back up with my toe right before intermission, and slip it on just after the lights turned on. Two more $10 classes of champagne during intermission really chilled me out for the rest of the show. After the opera, John and I went looking for a place to have dinner. You would think in a large international city you could find a nice place open at 10:30. Nope. We dined at Dennys in full formal wear. John ordered an appetizer, and because it was Dennys, we got out appetizer the same time our food came out. SO there we were, two people dressed to the nines shoved in a little booth at Dennys with a full buffet of fried vittles laid out on the table. We ate as much as we thought was safe, but had a whole take out book full of fried onion rings, chicken strips, fried cheese sticks, French fries , half a chicken sandwich and a pickle. As we were getting into our car, a homeless guy came up and asked us for our left overs. What could we say? We were Two fat people, in formal wear getting into a benz , how would it look if we refused a homeless guy food. So we handed it over gladly. I just hope he was not bound up the next day. I went glow golfing last night. That was fun, but I really suck at put- put golf, so why I thought I would be any better at it in the dark, was beyond me. But I love the fact we played with glow -in –the- dark golf balls, and when they lose their glow you have to stick them in the glow boxes that were scattered through the course, sort of like a ball washer at a regular golf course. I gladly gave out Glow Jobs to anyone whos ball has lost its glow. What I thought was funny, was that the blue colored glow- in- the- dark -balls needed more light to glow. So the blue balls got 2 glow jobs. Haha. Anyway, today I went to one of those “parties” that people throw to sell crap. This one was for body lotion. It was interesting, but now I am so greased up , I feel I could use my body as a bobsled. I am off to shower. | | Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008 | | 8:46 pm |
Every year I post on January 1st. I missed it by a day. One thing about my journal that I like is the fact I can revisit myself year after year, and see how I have changed. Last year my resolution: Don’t sweat the small stuff. Boy, this past year was one of the worst of my life. When my Mom was sick, and falsely diagnosed with lung cancer I faced my greatest fear head on. I put a foot into Hell, and I felt disappear that I was sure was going to over take me. They say that God never hands out more than anyone can handle, I had a long one to one with him and told him that if he took my Mother, I was going to follow her. Every day and every surgery, every sleepless night, bloody hair and plastic tubes, my mom crying in the night because she hurt… I was there, and I followed her. I realized that my small problems were just that, small problems. Anything that money could cure, was not a problem. I came to a point in my life when I begged for my small problems back; I missed my life that I had so often taken for granted. This last month, on December 17th when very good kind doctor took my hand and hold me my mother did not have cancer and or ordeal was over , I wept with my father. God listened, or we were lucky. Whatever way you wish to look at it. Good things did happen. I started School again. John and I adopted TOBY.  Spider dog spider dog, does whatever a spider dog does…… Anyway, its getting late. I hope the year is a good one. And to leave off, I would like to re-post this Hemmingway quote, that when I die, will be read at my eulogy. “ ..He thought that on the ship he could come to terms with his sorrow, not knowing, yet, that there are no terms to be made with sorrow. It can be cured by death and it can be blunted or anesthetized by various things. Time is suppose to cure it, too. But if its cured by anything less than death, the chances are that it was not true sorrow.” | | Tuesday, December 4th, 2007 | | 11:22 pm |
Holy flooded city bat-man. I have never been in a flood before, I seriously never thought one would ever hit us in the north west, it rains all the time I figured nature had a way of dealing with all the water. I have co-workers who left work on Monday to get home to Centralia before they closed the freeway down, and we did not hear from them today. We had rivers running down our streets, and huge lakes in our intersections. It started raining on Sunday, and it didn’t stop until today. We got 4 inches of rain in a few hours. The phones at work are dead, most people are still without power. Stores are just opening up again today. I can’t get over the fact that the main artery from Seattle to Portland is shut down. You cant just shut a freeway down for a week with no way around!?! | | Wednesday, November 28th, 2007 | | 6:26 am |
I am excited, my Mom signed me up for the Bravo Club with the Seattle Opera, and I am going to see Pagliacci in january! I am so freaking excited!I also get to see Tosca in Feb and I Puritani in may. I have awsome seats to, no sitting back in the nose bleed section, I am sitting so close I will need to bring a towel to wipe off the singers spit. | | Saturday, November 17th, 2007 | | 11:09 pm |
HI Ho Silver Away
Today I left my dream in a parking lot and I did not even look back. When I was a little girl, I never felt my Dad's parents really loved me. I still don't they really do. They dont love me like my Moms parents loved me. But this lack of love from them hurt me, all my life. They restored mustangs, and I grew up with mustangs being around my whole life. I loved the beauty of the classic cars, and the fact that when I would see a mustang, it would always remind me of my grandparents and my longing to be loved by them. This grew into a obsession of owning my own mustang. I wanted one for years, and the second I could afford one, I started looking. It took me 7 months to find the car I wanted. I found it one night while driving home from the movies. It was a silver beauty, 19 thousand miles and in perfect condition. It was owned by a guy in the army, who never really drove it. I bought it, and named it silver, due to my obsession with the lone ranger and his wild mustang silver. I loved that car. I was my baby. Yet, having it dident make my grandparents love me anymore. Today, I left silver in a parking lot, and drove away in a different car. One that was safer, had more room and was better in the snow. A white Mercedes Benz. I was laying in bed, and just thinking about silver sitting in that parking lot, a car that I don't own anymore. A part of my youth, a 6 cylinder dream is gone. Its just a car I know. But this car I loved. So silver, may you come to be another dream come true, with your perfect interior and low miles. Know that I loved you, and I always stood up for you when everyone put you down for being a ford. You the silver bullet that never in our time together, gave me a bit of trouble. Who started every time without fail. I will play William tell for you one last time, and I will always remember that dreams do come true. Current Music: The William Tell Overture | | Tuesday, November 13th, 2007 | | 7:24 pm |
my dog
TOBY! with red eye, makes him look evil and he is most of the time.  | | Monday, October 15th, 2007 | | 10:44 pm |
The only thing I have to hold on to is my belief that I try to do right by everyone I encounter. I am experiencing PTSD because I am scared I will encounter the women I house sat for a year, or the neighbors we called the cops on who egged our cars. I have a very hard time going into lacey, the city where we lived. I am worried I will run into someone and there will be a confrontation. The thing is, I really tried to get along with everyone, John on the other hand did not. He is so passive aggressive and cant let anything go. If someone wrongs me, I walk away and don't ever mess with that person again. John strikes back, then hides behind a bush, if confronted he denies. I got a call from one of my old neighbors, asking how we were. When I heard his voice I broke out in a cold sweat, my heart started to pound. I freaked out. I am worried that the lady we house sat for is is bad mouthing us, or the neighbors we called the cops are plotting to get us. I really have never felt this way before. I don't feel like I can run far enough away. I case parking lots before I go into stores to make sure I don't see any cars from the people on 34th court. ( the street I lived on while house sitting) This is so dumb to feel this way. I hated living there so much, the neighbors watched us all the time. I hated worrying about this huge house all time, paying the bills the to keep it up, fixing things that were broken, taking animals to the vet. I gained 80 pounds living there. I am so much happier where I am now. Even with my landlords house being 6 feet away. They are never home. I can't believe I am going to have to see my therapist over this. |
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